The Twilight Movie Experience!
by LatinaPunkita
Summary: Haven't seen the movie yet and have no idea what to expect? Look no more! This story will sum up the classic experience of the Motion Picture Twilight! Just beware of the Team Edward and Team Jacob fan cat fights...
1. Chap 1: The Nightmare Begins

**_Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight obviously. I don't own Edward Cullen or Jacob Black (Even though I'd really, really, reeeaaallyyy like to!) because my name isn't Stephenie Meyer. I do, however own this fan fiction because I'm the one who wrote it __J but my skills aren't as awesome as Steph's. I did enjoy the Twilight Movie but I found a lot of the cheesy ness of it all to be kind of funny…even though I enjoyed it a lot. But still…_**

**Welcome ^_^ this is my first Fanfic on fan for quite some time. I've been meaning to do this, and I think today is the day I should finally get started. I'm a huge fan and I do not make fun of this series out of hatred. It's all good fun poking around and I think it's kind of funny to point out clichés in stories. Also, all the scenes in this movie are not going to be to the T (lol for twilight) exact. I'm going to spoof and make fun of the movie so... please don't try and compare and contrast my spoofing to your illegally downloaded copy of twilight on your computer..Please? be nice :D Okay, so. without further ado. Enjoy!**

*** Chapter One: The Nightmare Begins.

**The credits roll and the movie begins, you can hear popcorn being munched on and soda being slurped.**

Girl in the Audience: Wow, this is going to be like, so freakin' amazing. The guy who plays Edward? Holy crap he's soooo hot.

Her Friend: I knoow right?! He's just like, absolutely gorgeous, I'd shag that man.

Girl: I know! Wasn't he in like, Harry Potter or something?

Her Friend: Yeah but like, he's not as cute as he was here in Harry Potter. Here he's sexy because he's Edward (grin)

You: (quietly you think to yourself, Rob Pattinson hasn't really changed much except he's just made his hair spiky…could this be considered a dramatic difference?)

Bella: (the monologue) "I've never given much thought to how I could die…"

The Girl: OH MY GOOOD THAT'S FROM THE BOOK! (giggles and claps)

Her Friend: Oh really? I haven't even read it yet.

The Girl: Oh my god, you're such a poser. How could you like even come here?

Her Friend: 'cause you made me?

The Girl: Oh yeah, right.

You and your Friends: (extremely irritated) SHH!!(The Movie continues)

**(Already the scene has been forwarded to the scene where Bella arrives in Port Angeles. You're descent so far but then it's soon forwarded to the scene where Bella finally arrives in Forks. Billy and Jacob are standing there waiting with a smile. You don't remember this part because it's not in the book and it's your job as a devoted fan of this series to take note on every miniscule difference the movie has from the book. ) (They show Bella getting out the car and staring at the dirty red infamous Chevy that Bella drives.)  
**  
Charlie: So um, here's your new car Bells. Billy fixed up all the parts for you real nice. I know it's not much to look at but I was too busy whining about how your mom left me to care what kind of car it was.

Bella: …(Stares at it knowing it's really a piece of crap, but wave of excitement suddenly overtakes her) WOW DAD! THANKS THIS IS THE BEST THING EVER!

Charlie: Glad you like it, kid! It only cost me 10 bucks and a pack of gum! *wink*

**( As Charlie walks over to Billy Black to talk about useless Football nonsense and Bella begins to fall in love with her tortoise moving trap of death, an overly enthusiastic smiling kid with an incredibly bad wig walks over to Bella. )  
**  
Jacob Black: Hiya, Bella! Remember me? We used to make mud pies together when we were little!

Part of The Audience (And this is only if you go to see it at the ungodly hours of the night time): (break out into a unison of screams) OH MY GOD!!! ITS JACOB!!!! AHHHH JACOB!!!! AHHHHHHH!!!

Girl 1: (Wearing a Jacob T-Shirt) He's so hot!!! I WANT HIS BABIES!!!

Girl 2 (Team Edward): That wig makes him look retarded. He should die.

Girl 3 (Team Switzerland): Hey, isn't that Shark Boy?!

Bella: Oh yeah, no I remember. (warmly smiles) How have you been?

Jacob: Pretty good (grinning and eyes are moving up and down slowly) How have _you_ been? It looks like you've been doing good!

**(You think back to the book and try to remember if Jacob is this perverted this early on in the series but since you know Bella doesn't meet Jacob until the La Push beach scene you're just gonna go along with this.)**

Bella: (clears throat awkwardly) Yeah, I've been just fine…(quirks an eyebrow)

Girl 2: Hey, I have a good freaking question. That actor is only sixteen years old. So how do they plan on making that _mongrel_ grow so tall in the next movie?

Girl 1: DON'T CALL MY JACOB A MONGREL! YOU'RE JUST MAD BECAUSE JACOB HAS A PULSE AND EDWARD SUCKS BLOOD!

Girl 2: Keep shouting from over there dog lover. I just might have to buy you a muzzle

Girl 3: Sometimes I wonder if people take this series a little too far… Oh well, atleast it's not as bad as Harry Potter, I can only prey to god people aren't going to start buying gold contacts for their eyes.

The Preppy Girl from the Beginning: I HAVE THEM IN RIGHT NOW!! EDWARD TURNED ME HAHA! I SOOO GOT THEM AT THE BREAKING DAWN PARTY IN NEW YOOORK!

You: Can everyone just please shut up?

Jacob: So anyway, (grins) Wanna take this bad boy out for a spin? I fixed all the parts myself. (he pet the hood of the car like it was his long lost calico cat or something )

Bella: I thought Charlie said Billy did.

Jacob: Er…Well obviously not. I mean he's in a wheelchair.

Self Proclaimed Twilight Expert: She's right! (pulls out copy of Twilight that she brought along with her) (pushes up glasses) According to my calculations on page 4 of the book it distinctly says "Billy fixed it up real nice for you Bells' "

Team Swiss: You actually brought that with you to the theater…?

SPTE: Of COURSE! What dedicated fan would not!?

Bella: And aren't you like, fourteen? What are you doing fixing cars? Aren't you a bit young to be driving?

Jacob: Just get in the car.

**(Bella shrugged her shoulders and walked to the front seat of the Prehistoric wagon. Jacob in his feeble attempt to be suave bolted for the drivers seat also and in the epic collision of fate his body met Bella's clumsy behavior.)  
**

Jacob: *rubs arm* Um…ow...

Bella: Oh my god, sorry!

Billy: (in an almost theatrical voice) The ancestors of our land shed a tear for this poor girl!

Charlie: What's he talking about ancestors for?

Jacob: Dunno, I just ignore him half the time.

Bella: So Jacob, do you go to school here?

Jacob: No, I go to school off the resort. I live in La Push, you know. La Puuuush? You should say it three times fast it's actually kind of fun.

Bella: …Er, no thanks. I was just saying 'cause it'd be nice to have one (she cringed at the word) "friend" around here.

Jacob: (eyes light up enthusiastically) Does that mean we're FRIENDS!?

Bella: um…sure. I guess.

Jacob: (silently to himself) Yes! Phase one of my plan to win her heart is complete!

Bella: I can hear you…

Jacob: well what do you know, it's time for the next scene! But before I go. (continually checks her out for the next 60 seconds)

Bella: (groans)

****

**_Well that's the end of the first chapter. I hope you guys enjoyed it as thoroughly as my friends did XD And hopefully it's actually funny and my friends weren't just being polite. R&R and thanks again for taking time out of your day to read this. _**


	2. Chap 2: For Tonight, We Dine With Forks!

**_Disclaimer: Holy crap... Four words. THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! Wow, i didn't even think i'd get one review XD I'm so happy to everyone who reviewed for me. I had Chapter 2 in the works already but I just didn't think i'd get so much positive feedback! Thank you,thank you,thank you! You make a new writer very happy and excited. ^_^ So without any hesitations. Here's chapter two!! Hope you all enjoy it. Once again, don't own the Twilight characters but I do own the sporkers known as the audience because each person is someone I know in real life XD They may not be the exact same people... but you know. I did what stephenie did. I borrowed names. :3_**

****

**Chapter Two: For tonight we dine with Forks!!!**

**As the theater continues to buzz with excitement, laughter and talking you calmly take the initiative to take note of everyone's names since there is no confusion for the remainder of this story.**

Team Jacob: Well, my name is Kate. :D I loooove Jacob. I love him, I love him I looooooooooove him (drools)

Team Edward: My name's Aneisha, and if that girl doesn't shut up I might have to punch a baby.

Team Swiss: …Kristen. Get me out of here… (staring wide eyed in terror)

Self Proclaimed Twilight Expert: Why hello there, you make call me Emily. (fixes glasses that just never seem to stay up right.)

The Preppy Annoying Chick that no one in the theater really likes: L-O-L you can call me Becca. Or Beck, like the group? Hahaha, but my real names Rebecca.

And her stupid friend: Jackieeee is my name don't wear it out.

**You nod slightly once you've got everyone down and redirect your attention to the rolling screen. It's Bella finally headed to her first day at Forks High School. You remember some of the background information from the book; less then 300 teens attend Forks High and yet the set shows a good… 300. The irony of this all seems to come together when you see the welcome board for Forks High.**

_**FORKS HIGH SCHOOL: **_

HOME OF THE **SPARTANS**

Becca: HAHAHAHA! Like the movie!?

Jackie: That's hystericaaaal.

Kristen: Oh good lord.

Someone From The Audience: THIS IS SPARTA!!!!!

Another Person: FOR TONIGHT! WE DINE! IN FORKS!!!!!!!

_**(Seriously. They couldn't come up with a better mascot?) **_

Bella: (walks through campus awkwardly trying to keep her eyes down at the ground. She pays no mind to the 300 pairs of eyes staring her down-- some with interest-- some with irritability-- and some just down right doing what Jacob was doing.) Dogs, the lot of you are… (murmurs to herself)

Mysterious Asian Kid: OH MY. GOD! YOU MUST BE ISABELLA MARIE SWAN!

Bella: … Just Bella. Wait, how do you know my name?!

Mysterious Asian Kid: Silly girl, I know everyone's names. In my spare time I tend to hack the Health office's attendance records and it said a new student was coming today!

Bella: That's a little creepy but sure, I'll go with that.

Mysterious Asian Kid: (holds out hand) My name's Eric! (grinning ear to ear) Head of the chess and the debate team! It's very nice to meet you!

Audience Reaction: ERIC IS ASIAN!?!?!?!!!!!!

Emily: (flips through pages wildly) Wait-- WHAT!?

Kristen: GIVE ME THAT! (snatches book and tosses it across the theater)

Emily: NOOOO! MY LIFE! (dives after it)

Aneisha: (clapping and laughing hysterically)

Kate: huh, that's funny. I thought the book said Eric was a lanky, pimple faced dude. This guy is all clean cut and has an emo hair cut.

Kristen: huh, that's funny. This is the calmest I've seen you act this entire time.

Kate: JACOB BLACK!!!

Kristen: all good things must come to an end.

Bella: Um. Nice to meet you Eric. (smiles warmly and shakes his hand)

Eric: (pristine blush fades into cheeks) Er, uh so you came from Arizona right? Do you mind if I hold your bag? Don't worry I know where your going I memorized your entire schedule. This way. (leads her to class)

Bella: (debating weither or not she should run in the opposite direction of this kid) Uh, Yeah. Arizona.

Eric: How is it over there?

Bella: mm. Sunny.

Eric: You don't look very tan.

Bella: You don't look very pimply.

Eric: Touché.

**Just then an Abercrombie & Fitch esque model looking guy pushes past Eric roughly. This boy can only be identified as one character and one character only.  
**  
Becca: is that Mike? I can't tell these contacts are too scratchy.

Aneisha: Well obviously it aint Edward.

Mike: No one wants to listen to how you write down chess strategies before you go to bed at night

Eric: Oh yeah, Mike. That was real cute, where'd you get that joke from? "Yo' Momma" ?

Mike: Nawh but I did do Yo' Momma last night. Ohhhhh!

Eric: TCH, EPIC. FAIL.

Mike: Like a Physics test, Eric. Like a Physics test. (grins at Bella) What's cookin' good lookin'? The name's Mike Newton. Not to be confused with a Fig Newton bar but I sure as hell am as sweet as one. (wink)

Bella: (stomach wrenches just a tad) Corny…flirt…jokes…must…get away…somehow.

Mike: So word on the street is your name's Isabella Swan. Y'know… Bella means Beautiful in Italian and you're definitely are one B-E-A-utiful chica (grins wider)

Bella: auugh. He's worse than Jacob!

Mike: Who's Jacob!? (already showing signs of over protective controlling behavior) Someone I should know about?

Bella: You know, Jacob Black.

Kate: (interjecting squeal)

Aneisha: (eye roll)

Mike: Oh you mean that weird Indian kid that like, never goes to school?

Bella: yes, that's the one.

Mike: oh yeah, he's awkward.

( The scene forwards and it goes to the scene where Bella's in gym class. )

Audience: Oh no.

Some Chick in Bella's Class: (bumps the ball)

Another chick: (spikes it)

Gym Coach: Swan, your up!

Bella: Huh?! HUT HUT HUT! (bumps it in the wrong direction)

Mike: (gets knocked out and has a concussion)

Bella: oops.

Gym Coach: Wrong sport, Bella.

Bella: My bad.

Preppy Annoying Girl that only be identified as Jessica: Like, don't you like, know what like, sport your in?! Oh my god--- I can't be mean to you just yet. Your new! I need gossip on you! Hi my name's Jessica :D looks like you knocked Mike out pretty bad.

Mike: (mumbling) can you tell me the story about the pretty bunny and the dwarf again coach?

Bella: Ah yeah, about that… sorry.

Jessica: Oh no, it's okay. No one likes hearing his adorable pick up lines but me anyways.

Bella: (stomach churns)

Jessica: SO ANYWAY! Like, wanna be best friends? Bella: Boy people here sure are friendly.

Jessica: GREAT! So I'll just need a record of all the guys you kissed, and or girls. Depending on if you go that way!

Emily: (stands up in front of the screen waving her book) I FOUND IT!!! Kristen: That's just great now you can shove up all the way up your-- Aneisha: HEY LOOK IT'S THE LUNCH ROOM SCENE! YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!Fangirls: (gasp in unison) CUUUULLLEEENNNS!

**( Due to Summit Entertainment's choppy editing we had to cut this scene short.) **

**_Once Again. Thanks to all of you who favorited and reviewed and put me in their favorite author's list. I really appreciate that. Thank you to Tom, Aneisha, Sallyanna and Nikka for giving me the encouragement and support to continue this idiotic spoof I'm doing and making me laugh on a daily basis. This couldn't be possible without their support :') I'm a little too happy aren't I? Oh well, deal with it. READ AND REVIEW!!! ^_^_**


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